|
 |
| Communication Technique |
I remember when my grandmother had Alzheimer, and I would go and visit her at the special home she lived in. This one day I walked in, and right away I introduced myself.
"Hello Endy! It's Hannah your granddaughter. I thought I would stop by for a visit!"
She was thrilled, and I know she knew me for a moment. I made sure I introduced myself, because I didn't want her to think she was speaking to some stranger. I also didn't want to scare her. I know you have to keep in mind their memory condition, and if a strange person came up for a hug I would be alarmed myself. I tried to keep that mind each time I went to visit.
I also learned with time you needed to continue to introduce yourself. I would always included 'granddaughter' for the extra family connection, and not just name.
I remember one afternoon she was speaking to me about how her parents came to visit her that day. Her parents had passed away before I was born, and I didn't correct her. If you saw the look on her face she was so excited about the visit, and it made her feel good to have them there.
I figured if this circumstance wasn't going to hurt anything why point out facts that may upset her! It was a nice visit, and I was able to learn things about my great grandparents that I didn't know. Can I tell you if they are accurate? No. Does it matter? Well, not to me it didn't. She was having fun sharing, and that is all that mattered to me.
I remember another day I can to visit, and she asked me if I wanted to go down to the lounge they had on the floor. I agreed, and we started to walk down the hall to the lounge. One of the staff said to us, "OH Evelyn it looks like you have company today. How nice!" My grandmother responded, "Yes, she is not kin but a good family friend." I just smiled and winked at the staff member.
I remember when my grandmother was busy speaking to someone in the lounge the staff member made sure her statement didn't upset me. I knew enough about the condition at that point that it didn't bother me. I just let it go, because it would distress her if I corrected her.
When you deal with memory loss things like this happen, and I know first and foremost you don't take it personally. Its the disease talking, and not the loved one. There would have been nothing to gain by correcting her. I'm sure I would have made her feel awful, and what purpose would that have?
It's loss that you must accept. Its a loss you can't control. Can I say I didn't mourn the loss? No. I can't say that. You mourn the loss regularly, and some days are better than others. My job as her loved one is to make her as comfortable and as safe as possible. I can't allow those types of things to hinder the time we have left. You almost have to learn a new layer of empathy, and remind yourself all the time its the disease talking. You can mourn the parts she has loss, but you still need to celebrate the parts you still have.
In my grandmother's case? She was always a very cheery, and friendly person to most anyone. No, she doesn't remember me as her granddaughter. There will be times she will, but most of the time she won't. I can love her anyway, because of whom she is. The 'special' parts about her? The parts I love? They will always be in my heart, and she would send me reminders in real life very now and again.
I think that is the part of my mother's journey with Dementia that I'm not looking forward to. There will come a day where she no longer knows who I am. For now she is pretty easy to deal with on most levels, and I know she tries the best she can.
I have to stop and think of this condition a little more now. I can't drill her information anymore. I saw a video today, and it reminded me about how I need to approach things in baby steps from here on out. Its a balancing game, because you don't want them to feel like you are talking down to them - or like a child.
I thought these two videos give good information, and wanted to share what I'm trying to get across as well.
Thanks for that, Hannah. My father is slowly losing his memory too, and while he used to be very anxious about getting dementia, he seems more resigned to it now, although he has yet to be diagnosed and he doesn't like admitting it. But it is clear that in the past year, he has slowly been losing his memory and suffers embarrassment over it. I saw it with my own eyes a few months ago when I brought my children (who don't see him very much) to visit him. We arrived at night and went to bed. The next morning, my kids said hi to him as he walked down the stairs. He looked at one and said "And who are you?" Fortunately the kids thought he was joking. He was very embarrassed that he didn't remember them from the night before.
It is a very sad but precious time - the positive part is that he has lost a lot of the "walls" he used to put up. I just love conversing with him now because it is more child-like and I can just enjoy who he is. I feel so sorry that for so many years I didn't see that he was the victim in his marriage and I want to ensure that I validate his worth and love on him while he is still alive.
Thanks for sharing the communication tips.
Anonymous:
That's awesome that you have the opportunity to get some closeness in that way now. I do think they forget about those walls you speak about.
I know my grandparents used to speak about their youth, etc. Its a good thing to watch, and they do tend to show you a side you have not seen before.